Episode Transcript
[00:00:01] Speaker A: What?
[00:00:01] Speaker B: Ooh, sorry, Jeremy. Nat one. You know what that means.
[00:00:06] Speaker A: No, please.
[00:00:07] Speaker B: I have three kids.
[00:00:08] Speaker A: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on a sec, Kayla. This podcast is not for kids. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Go ahead.
Welcome to tales from the tabletop, a D and D podcast about the worst of the worst on Reddit and beyond. It's. It's not a scary podcast. We're not spooky, but. Caleb. Spooky. Spooky. I'm your.
What's the season? Oh, I'm the. I'm coming back in three days, guys. I'm dead. I'm back. DM. Jeff Lunter.
[00:01:13] Speaker B: Jesus.
[00:01:14] Speaker A: No, no, I mean, basically, that's what DM stands for.
[00:01:19] Speaker B: And I'm your leprechaun. DM. Kayla Williams. Is that what we're doing?
[00:01:24] Speaker A: Yeah. Honestly, if there's any fucking holiday character, you would be a leprechaun.
[00:01:29] Speaker B: Sorry, Kayla. So fucking rude.
[00:01:32] Speaker A: You left me nothing.
[00:01:33] Speaker B: How can you take Jesus and then I get the leprechaun?
[00:01:36] Speaker A: You can't.
[00:01:37] Speaker B: That's actually fucking crazy that you would say that.
[00:01:40] Speaker A: It's wild, but it's accurate. What can I say?
[00:01:43] Speaker B: We haven't recorded in so long, and we're actually recording during the day this time. Not late at night and not super early in the morning.
[00:01:50] Speaker A: I'm not tired. Rambunctious. I'm just Jesus. I'm sorry.
[00:01:54] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:01:55] Speaker A: You took Jesus? What does that leave me?
[00:01:57] Speaker B: Yeah. Cause Jesus was definitely a blonde little fucking twink, bro.
[00:02:01] Speaker A: Honestly.
Yeah. Be the bunny, bro. You either get Jesus or the bunny. Who fucking which one? What is the lore there? There was, like, a thing that was like, make sure to find the best. And I was like, what? You're supposed to find your Easter basket, bro. Like, just hide that shit sitting on the kitchen table in the morning.
[00:02:22] Speaker B: What? No breaks into your house, hides your basket, and you wake up in the morning trying to find the basket?
[00:02:30] Speaker A: Why would you hide it, bro? How do you know what my house is like?
[00:02:32] Speaker B: He's, like, sneaky like that. He hides the eggs. He hides your basket. That's like, his whole thing. That's his lore.
[00:02:38] Speaker A: So he's shitty Santa Claus?
[00:02:40] Speaker B: No, he's just like a.
[00:02:42] Speaker A: He doesn't even leave presents. He leaves fucking, like, pokemon cards and chocolate.
[00:02:47] Speaker B: There's like, did you ever have, like, there's candy you eat for Christmas and then there's candy you eat for Easter, and they are very different. Like, you get candy for both, but it's different.
[00:02:57] Speaker A: What is. What's Christmas candy?
[00:02:58] Speaker B: I don't Christmas is more like chocolates and stuff like that. More like Christmas.
[00:03:03] Speaker A: We did St. Nicholas in my home, but also Christmas. But St. Nicholas, you got, like, a lot of cinnamon flavored things, and it was nasty. It was always like, cookies and shortbread. I'm like, I don't fucking want this.
[00:03:13] Speaker B: But for Easter, you get a bunch of, like, sour candy, like, fun dip, like bright spices.
[00:03:19] Speaker A: All I remember is the grassmallow. The fucking grass was always on my ass and all over my room. I was just the grassiest of asses.
[00:03:27] Speaker B: Why did you have the grass on your ass?
[00:03:29] Speaker A: Cause I would open it on the couch and then it'd be there for six months. Cause it just like, oh, I clean the couch. But it was like fucking spider manning its way on the side of the cushion that you didn't look at. And then you find it six months later and you're like, whoa.
[00:03:43] Speaker B: I don't know how to tell you this, but your experiences are not universal.
[00:03:48] Speaker A: Everyone knows the grassy ass.
[00:03:49] Speaker B: No.
[00:03:50] Speaker A: Get me in the comments. Hey, talesfromthetabletoppotmail.com. Hit me with those grass. No, wait. I don't know what I'm asking for. I take it back.
[00:03:58] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:03:58] Speaker A: Hey, that was a good bit. Did we do the bit? We did it. What's up, Kayla? How we doing? How are you? No, no, Awu. Don't rush it. How are you doing, Kayla? How is the world of dming now that you are back in command?
[00:04:11] Speaker B: Last session was a little hectic to start because I couldn't find my PDF's, but then I got.
[00:04:17] Speaker A: Bro, it took you a half hour to start.
[00:04:19] Speaker B: Oh, my God. Yeah, I had to get food cause I was let out of work late.
[00:04:22] Speaker A: What kind of food did you get, Kayla? What kind of food? What kind of food would make a DM late do a Friday night? D and D said, I'm gonna let everyone guess. Okay, you got it. You got your guesses? Okay. What do you think it was? Here's what it really was.
[00:04:36] Speaker B: I'm being set up. This is fucking set up.
[00:04:39] Speaker A: What's that?
[00:04:39] Speaker B: I got Burger King.
[00:04:40] Speaker A: Ugh. Dude. Ew.
[00:04:42] Speaker B: Don't eat.
[00:04:42] Speaker A: That's nasty.
[00:04:43] Speaker B: You knew it was Burger King.
[00:04:45] Speaker A: Just to show you I knew it was Burger King. I needed you to say it and admit it to yourself. Was it good?
[00:04:50] Speaker B: I did nothing wrong. It was delicious, actually. I enjoyed it.
[00:04:52] Speaker A: I enjoyed it. But you live in Chicago and it's.
[00:04:55] Speaker B: Not cheap to eat everywhere where. Okay, yeah, that's true. Sometimes you just want a shitty ass burger because it has a drive through. The thing about Chicago, not many drive thrus out here. Okay. A lot of delicious, delicious food. But if you don't want to go into the store, you're kind of fucked. And then you have to get Burger King.
[00:05:12] Speaker A: Sounds like you're just lazy.
[00:05:13] Speaker B: That's crazy that you'd say that to me.
[00:05:15] Speaker A: But also, don't go to Burger King before D and D, or else you're getting it razzed everywhere. Sorry.
[00:05:20] Speaker B: Oh, my God. They roasted me so fucking hard, and then I almost killed Jeff's character.
[00:05:25] Speaker A: So most of the group was on your side, which is very gross.
[00:05:28] Speaker B: But, you know, because they're people of culture, I'm also their favorite DM. So there's that.
[00:05:33] Speaker A: It's okay. I make everyone cry. You bring back the happiness and make them cry again.
[00:05:43] Speaker B: All right, so it's been a little bit since we recorded, so I gotta dust off my reading brain. I've even.
[00:05:49] Speaker A: Did you do your warmups?
[00:05:51] Speaker B: Yes, I did do my warmups. Did you do your warmups?
[00:05:54] Speaker A: Yeah, I read a few shit posts this morning while shitting right before the podcast is great.
[00:05:59] Speaker B: I tried to fucking call him before. I was like, hey, let's talk about it before we actually start recording. And he's like, I can't.
[00:06:05] Speaker A: Yeah, bro. Like, if you don't poop before a podcast, you're gonna be squirming in your chair for an hour, bro.
[00:06:12] Speaker B: Don't say that. That's so nasty. You're so gross sometimes.
[00:06:16] Speaker A: I got hot girl syndrome, bro. I can't help it. I'm lactose intolerant, and everything I eat makes my stomach hurt.
[00:06:21] Speaker B: You really are just a mortal man.
[00:06:23] Speaker A: What can I say?
[00:06:24] Speaker B: Am I the asshole? Because I don't want to host our D and D games anymore because of a player's girlfriend.
[00:06:31] Speaker A: Oh, you were reading. I'm sorry.
[00:06:33] Speaker B: Do you have a fucking death wish?
[00:06:35] Speaker A: Like, I love this energy. It's, like, not sleepy Jeff energy. But I'm still gonna fight.
[00:06:41] Speaker B: Yeah. And I have a gun.
[00:06:42] Speaker A: Who's the user?
[00:06:43] Speaker B: Can you edit a gun? Talking sound here?
[00:06:46] Speaker A: Not again. Stop. And it's sad because I have that in the assets folder, just in case.
[00:06:52] Speaker B: Just in case. You have a folder labeled Kayla. Parentheses, just in case. The user is Gillio Walters.
[00:06:59] Speaker A: Oh, I knew him. He was in fucking Twilight princess as the wolf.
[00:07:04] Speaker B: Oh. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He did all the barking.
[00:07:08] Speaker A: Yeah, that's him. Wow.
[00:07:11] Speaker B: I didn't know we were amongst royalty. My bad.
[00:07:13] Speaker A: Yeah, dog man. You're the man now, dog.
[00:07:16] Speaker B: For the last three months, I m 34, have been hosting our D and D games in my flat. Spoiler alert, british.
[00:07:25] Speaker A: Everything was fine.
[00:07:27] Speaker B: Only british people say flat. It's not an american.
[00:07:30] Speaker A: Okay? Yeah, you're right.
[00:07:32] Speaker B: Word. American word. You know what I mean? Everything was fine until one of the players wanted to bring his m 33 girlfriend, f 30, along, which in and of itself was not a big problem. So we all agreed that she could watch. She did not want to play herself as she was in her own words. To an extent. Experienced like that has ever stopped anybody before.
[00:07:55] Speaker A: Yeah, exactly. Come on, bring them in. Fuck it.
[00:07:57] Speaker B: Make that character sheet. During the session, she came across as very bored and constantly made loud sighing noises to, I guess, express her boredom, which was disruptive and, to be honest, childish, in my opinion.
[00:08:11] Speaker A: Don't ever come back. That's it. One session. One three hour session of a person going, this isn't for you. It's for everyone playing, get the fuck out of here.
[00:08:21] Speaker B: And I love that dungeons and dragons has become more popular as a medium of entertainment. Roll 20. All that good stuff has just made it more accessible. But I think in day to day life, people expect it to be as entertaining, and it's only entertaining to me because I'm the person making the story and controlling it. I'm sure if we told people or if people sat in on our sessions and actually listened, they'd be like, oh, my God. Okay, what are they doing?
[00:08:49] Speaker A: We're also not comedians. We're not people who are doing this for entertainment. We're just doing this to have fun.
[00:08:56] Speaker B: And it's like, ah, yeah, there's a certain level of preparation you need to do in order to make something entertaining, and, you know, props to the people who can do it. But I think a lot of people who play D and D, look at that and they're like, yeah, I could fucking do that. When it's literally a room full of comedians who get paid to be funny. Noah pays me to be funny. I do that shit for free.
[00:09:17] Speaker A: I was reading. I'm so sorry. I got so distracted by the story, I was like, what comes next? What is she saying?
[00:09:23] Speaker B: Oh, my God. This is why I shouldn't send you the link to the story anymore.
[00:09:26] Speaker A: I have ADHD, bro. What the fuck do you expect?
[00:09:28] Speaker B: Oh, my gosh. That's why I'm glad we don't have too many in person sessions, because I feel like I have a lot of weird tics that come across as maybe being uninterested, but I am.
[00:09:37] Speaker A: Yeah, if you pull out your phone. When we meet next month, it's over. I'm bringing my fucking. Honestly, no. You're gonna be over my house for at least a day in advance, so you better find some fucking little toy to play with.
[00:09:48] Speaker B: You're gonna have to the entire time. So many fidgets, dude.
[00:09:51] Speaker A: No.
[00:09:52] Speaker B: Okay, so she's being disruptive. She also had a very rude attitude in general and complained about the choice of snacks and drinks. Honestly. Valid.
[00:10:02] Speaker A: No, it's not for you. We want the Cheetos. Sorry. We didn't get your fucking, like, pig skins, your chich. What is chicharrones? We didn't get those. Sorry.
[00:10:11] Speaker B: Why is that the first thing?
[00:10:13] Speaker A: Cause I was like, I didn't want to be rude. I didn't want to be rude to vegans. I didn't want to be like, we didn't get your. Your fucking vegetable tray.
Your fucking vegetable chips.
[00:10:25] Speaker B: Vegetable chips.
[00:10:26] Speaker A: Your rice patties. Sorry.
[00:10:28] Speaker B: I'm also kind of anal about, like, making sure I get snacks for everybody if I do it, but true, I guess.
[00:10:34] Speaker A: Yo, you fuck with me. Okay, I'm gonna take that to heart. And if you don't make snacks and prepare snacks for a D and D session when we meet next month, what are we even doing here? You did last time. You were good at it, but it was also your house, so, yeah, I.
[00:10:47] Speaker B: Made big soup for everybody. Everybody was like, wow, Kayla, you're so amazing. You're so good at everything. Oh, my God, you're my favorite.
[00:10:54] Speaker A: You've been living off of that. You've been living off of that high for, like, a fucking year, bro.
[00:10:58] Speaker B: Yeah. So this keeps me going. I'm still here. What really annoyed me came after the session. However, two days ago, I logged into discord and went to our group's video game channel just to discover that the girlfriend was talking shit behind my back, calling my place a dirt hole and me a psycho, as well as my husband, a creep in parentheses. She probably did not realize that I was in the channel because I use a different name on discord. Is it behind your back? If it's a place where you can easily see it.
[00:11:28] Speaker A: Nah, she knew you were there. They wanted you to read that.
[00:11:32] Speaker B: She wanted to shame you, bro. She said, ugh, creep.
[00:11:35] Speaker A: This place is a dirt hole.
[00:11:36] Speaker B: I think is the. Is the. So the writer is a male. Okay, so two guys, and the husband's creepy, apparently.
[00:11:43] Speaker A: Yeah, bro, if anyone. Like, I'm glad my partner plays D and D with us. Cause if I explain any of what we do, like, it would be fucking. It would sound insane sometimes.
[00:11:55] Speaker B: My toxic trait is I will bring up things we did in our D and D sessions as if they actually happened.
[00:12:01] Speaker A: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's normal. That's very normal, Kayla.
[00:12:05] Speaker B: I feel very normally about D and D. I'm cooking something up, too, on my iPad as well. I mean, I make, like. I think in our first season too, I made an edit where I drew all our characters, and I did the edit as if it were some anime on TikTok. And I was like, yeah, people are gonna care about this one.
[00:12:25] Speaker A: People love this. People love our artwork that we create just for us.
[00:12:29] Speaker B: People. I have made so much art just for the campaign, and I'm like, who's gonna do it? A single mom who works two weeks.
[00:12:38] Speaker A: We have three artists in the campaign that also do art.
[00:12:41] Speaker B: Jeff has a whole folder dedicated to it.
[00:12:44] Speaker A: Oh, yeah. It's my favorite folder.
[00:12:46] Speaker B: They go on to say, I guess I have to explain here. I make paper flowers for weddings and funerals as a side job, so my flat sometimes is a bit untidy, but never unclean or dirty. She apparently found it creepy that a grown man in parentheses had dozens of paper flowers lying around.
Mind you, I put them all in my work desk to make the place more comfortable for visitors. My husband came home in the evening and startled her when he entered the living room. While I can't say for sure why she called him a creep, it's either because there is an age gap between me and him of several years or because he has a disfigured face due to an accident. That would be fucked up if it's the second one. Oh, my God.
[00:13:31] Speaker A: What the fuck? Get this person out of here.
[00:13:35] Speaker B: I know it's only an assumption, but holy shit, if it's the second one.
[00:13:39] Speaker A: Oh, my God.
[00:13:40] Speaker B: And how do you startle someone walking into your own fucking home? Hello?
[00:13:44] Speaker A: Oh, you fucking live here, bro, what the fuck? Get out of here.
[00:13:48] Speaker B: Oh, it's the tenant of this house.
I would be pissed too. And they say that they were angry, and when the players asked when the next session would be, I told them the date and also the. That the girlfriend was invited not to come. They wrote that? So weird.
[00:14:04] Speaker A: Why did it just say they were not invited?
[00:14:07] Speaker B: The girlfriend to come wasn't invited.
[00:14:09] Speaker A: Was invited not to come. That's some, like, I'm american. All right. I don't understand this.
[00:14:15] Speaker B: She's not invited. Since she felt so uncomfortable in my dirt hole of a place. Parentheses. By now, everyone else had seen what she wrote that pissed her off and her boyfriend as well, who even said that I should send my husband away too, if we didn't allow spouses to come along anymore, to which I called him an entitled prick and plainly stated that I would no longer host the sessions anymore as long as he wanted to bring her along. Oh, no. My husband who lives here.
[00:14:44] Speaker A: Yo, tell your husband to fucking get a hotel room or something for the night, dog every session. Don't let him in.
[00:14:51] Speaker B: That's so embarrassing. How would you be okay with your partner talking shit about the person? Like, it's very kind to open your home up to other people.
[00:15:01] Speaker A: Like, hello. Oh, my God, that's no. Like, they're going out of their way to make something interesting and comfortable for you guys. Like, oh, here's my place. I'm opening up to you guys and you're gonna bitch about, oh, you know, I saw a cat hair on the couch and that means you have cats on the couch and I cannot be on that couch. Sorry.
[00:15:20] Speaker B: I do. Like, I'm trying to see in a world where, from their perspective, how it could come across. Like, obviously she never intended the person to see. Well, maybe it's not obvious she didn't intend, assumedly for the host to see what she was saying about it, but, like, how would you feel comfortable about your partner talking about your friends that way? I don't want to be with somebody who talks to my friends that way.
[00:15:47] Speaker A: You know, they're not your friends.
[00:15:49] Speaker B: Then there's a way to be like, oh, it was kind of like, untidy there, but like, whatever. They let us come over to their house to play the game, I guess, or at least participate. I don't know.
[00:16:00] Speaker A: That's fucked up.
[00:16:01] Speaker B: The group now is torn into two cams. Those who agree with me and those who want to, quote unquote, skip the drama and just want to continue playing with or without her. I hate that this is a pet peeve of mine, but when grown adults are like, I just want to skip the drama.
[00:16:18] Speaker A: Like, we're adults, let's fucking communicate our problems. Hello.
[00:16:21] Speaker B: To me, drama is very, the word drama is very dismissive of people's feelings.
[00:16:28] Speaker A: And it's used to feeling something you're drama ing.
[00:16:31] Speaker B: It's used to make excuses and downplay. Like, it puts the onus on the person who is calling out the bad behavior and be like, oh, it's just drama. You're making a thing out of it. And it's like, no, I'm standing up for myself, calling out the person who is rude to me, like, are you okay with that?
[00:16:48] Speaker A: I'm sorry, dude. Your feelings aren't valid. Because this is drama now. This is making people uncomfortable, and you're the reason, not the situation, but because you were uncomfortable. Now everyone's uncomfortable. Drama queen.
[00:17:00] Speaker B: It's very much giving the. Your sibling hits you, and then you get yelled at for yelling at them.
[00:17:06] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:17:07] Speaker B: That's the vibes I get from that. It's just a pet peeve of mine, though, because you're all in your thirties. Why can't you just be like, hey, that was fucked up of you to say. Why don't you just apologize? And they obviously see that she's acting rude at the session. Why can't you just be honest about it?
[00:17:26] Speaker A: Pretty fucked up.
[00:17:27] Speaker B: Speak with your chest.
So am I the asshole for pretty much making it impossible for our group to continue the game? Because I don't want the girlfriend in my flat anymore. Ooh, that's another point. If the only reason they can play is because you're hosting them like, no one else can host that shit, maybe they should be a little fucking nicer to you, bro.
[00:17:47] Speaker A: Yo, I. Look, I wanna be at your house, but I don't like the drama, bro. Fuck you.
[00:17:52] Speaker B: So there's an edit. There's two edits, actually, so I'll read the first quick one edit I am hosting because of my husband's disability and don't want to leave him alone if it can be avoided. Because a lot have asked why she wants to tag along. I suspect that she has control issues. Take that with a grain of salt, please. I'm not familiar with their relationship.
[00:18:13] Speaker A: All right, buddy. Don't just assume things. But she also doesn't need to be there. You'll assume she has control issues.
He doesn't have to, but I fucking will. I'm a passive observer.
[00:18:24] Speaker B: Yeah, I see.
[00:18:25] Speaker A: Talking about it on a podcast. I've got eyes with tens of views.
[00:18:29] Speaker B: Yeah. I don't need to portray my friends in the best light because I don't know these people.
[00:18:34] Speaker A: Fuck em.
[00:18:35] Speaker B: Assume worst intentions always. That's how to be a happy person.
[00:18:39] Speaker A: Yeah. Fuck the drama.
[00:18:41] Speaker B: Edit number two. I was totally blown away by how many people responded, and I'm sorry I can't reply to everyone. Thank you all for your judgments. I will talk to my group this Sunday and post an update.
[00:18:52] Speaker A: Is there an update?
[00:18:53] Speaker B: I don't know. How do I find it?
[00:18:55] Speaker A: Mila, this is two years ago.
[00:18:57] Speaker B: I don't know how to find. I don't know how to use Reddit.
[00:19:00] Speaker A: They would edit it, right? I don't even know. Maybe they just didn't come back.
[00:19:03] Speaker B: I wouldn't blame them. Especially if things, like, ended anticlimactically. You don't want to be like, yeah.
[00:19:08] Speaker A: We just went to a different place.
[00:19:10] Speaker B: We all just kind of ignored it, like adults tend to do, and it fizzled out. All is that to say, I don't think that the op is the asshole, obviously.
[00:19:20] Speaker A: That's wild. That's wild that we found the one.
[00:19:23] Speaker B: The single non asshole person.
[00:19:26] Speaker A: Usually people come to Reddit to complain and are always at fault. This is weird. I don't like this, Kayla. You set a weird precedent.
[00:19:33] Speaker B: I finally read something to you that wasn't rage bait. Aren't you happy I found that I'm.
[00:19:39] Speaker A: Married at that person?
[00:19:42] Speaker B: It's funny, too, because I'm trying to find something to kind of sympathize with the other person about. Cause obviously everybody's gonna tell the story to portray themselves in the best light, right? Yeah, but I just. If it is what it is. Like, if you're being rude and if you made fun of somebody in a place where they could see fuck em, I wouldn't let them in my house either. And I would probably not stick with the people who wanted me to just let it go, you know? Because if they're being dismissive about something like this and someone directly talking shit about you, if somebody goes behind your.
[00:20:19] Speaker A: Back, actually, I'm not getting over that shit, bro. I'm not getting over that shit.
[00:20:24] Speaker B: Yeah. If anything, I'm not gonna get over it even more. And if someone directly speaks behind your back, like, you know, they're not gonna tell you, the trust is gone. The trust is absolutely destroyed. Like, we're just playing a silly little game, dude.
[00:20:35] Speaker A: And then no one, like, half of the people aren't even defending you. They just wanna move past it and it's like. No. Like, you do see that it's fucked up, right? Like, what they're doing is fucked up.
[00:20:44] Speaker B: Can you just acknowledge that this person needs to take responsibility? Cause then they're just gonna rip and tear through life.
[00:20:50] Speaker A: Exactly.
[00:20:51] Speaker B: And I'm not gonna let them rip.
[00:20:53] Speaker A: And tear through me.
[00:20:55] Speaker B: Exactly. It's giving high school vibes. Whatever.
[00:20:59] Speaker A: We're 30, bro. Get the fuck out of here.
[00:21:01] Speaker B: Whatever, man. Whatever.
[00:21:08] Speaker A: Okay, Kayla, I'm gonna need you to do me a favor. Don't even touch your computer. Don't do it. Ah huh.
[00:21:13] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:21:14] Speaker A: Don't click on the story yet, because I need to see your reaction to the title of the story I'm bringing this week.
[00:21:20] Speaker B: Okay. I never read them. I'm not bad like you.
[00:21:23] Speaker A: I don't. It's good to have them open.
[00:21:25] Speaker B: Yeah. Uh huh.
[00:21:26] Speaker A: Cause it's something for my eyes to follow with my ADHd ass.
[00:21:30] Speaker B: No, I just stare into space as my eyes get wider and I go catatonic.
[00:21:34] Speaker A: Look, the dogs in the blanket are judging me, so I need to look at something else.
[00:21:39] Speaker B: And then you say something and I go, huh? That's crazy.
[00:21:43] Speaker A: That's crazy.
[00:21:44] Speaker B: That's so crazy.
[00:21:47] Speaker A: DM demands to know a woman's body count in session zero.
So this was actually another submitted story? It was submitted, but also I found it on my own, like, a few hours beforehand. We were both upset about it. We had a long discussion about it, but, um, this. Hey. Happy women's month, Kayla. Happy women's month, everyone.
[00:22:10] Speaker B: She was too stunned to speak.
[00:22:14] Speaker A: This is a really fucked up story.
[00:22:16] Speaker B: There's no fucking way. There's no fucking way.
[00:22:21] Speaker A: This is posted by user whole resolution 5678. It's a pretty recent story.
What kind of aggravating story? All of them.
The whole revolution.
All of them. Hey, Kayla. Hey.
[00:22:37] Speaker B: Hey, John.
[00:22:37] Speaker A: About three months ago, I decided to suck it up and drive down to the game shop after years of making excuses due to the distance in my hectic work schedule, which is thankfully now a lot more orderly.
[00:22:49] Speaker B: Maybe you should have kept the excuses.
[00:22:52] Speaker A: Can I make a correction from last week when we were so stupid and we couldn't re like local G's or whatever, we couldn't figure out what the fuck that was. Or it's literally like game shop or game store. I felt so stupid afterwards. Cause it said it in the story, too. And we're like, oh, that's what it is.
[00:23:07] Speaker B: I'm like, me not realizing what imo means.
[00:23:10] Speaker A: Hey, Kayla, what's it mean?
[00:23:12] Speaker B: In my opinion?
[00:23:13] Speaker A: There it goes. Okay, good. I needed to make sure that you still knew it.
[00:23:16] Speaker B: I googled it. I urban dictionaried it.
[00:23:19] Speaker A: Yeah, everyone needs a local game shop. Maybe not a local game shop, but at least a local card shop or something, bro. Like, those places are fucking beautiful. Would highly recommend Kim and I go to one near us all the time and spend way too much money on Pokemon cards.
[00:23:34] Speaker B: Some of them are really nice. Some of them are really sweaty.
[00:23:38] Speaker A: Hey, Kayla.
[00:23:38] Speaker B: Huh?
[00:23:39] Speaker A: Give me. You're the Easter bunny. I'm gonna need, like, all of the temporal forces packs you have. Thank you.
[00:23:46] Speaker B: All right, I'll see what I got. In the sack.
[00:23:48] Speaker A: It didn't take long before I found someone who was willing to DM. He was a regular on Saturdays and was also desperate for some D and D. So we both agreed to get a game going. That's good. DM's reaching out for players. That's, like, not common. But also, as we've learned in the past, if DM is desperate for players, there must be something going on.
[00:24:11] Speaker B: Yeah, normally it's the other way around. I feel like all I have to do is even, like, state. Like, oh, I'm a DM. And then people are coming through the woodworks like termites to be like, oh, could you run a game for me? Could you run a game for me? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Do you already have a group?
[00:24:26] Speaker A: Oh, my God. Don't even put dming on your profile. Never anywhere. Don't even, like, say the two letters together. I tell people to direct message me. I don't tell them to DM.
He got his game announced on the game shop website, and in two weeks, we had eight players. Christ, that's a lot. Seven men, including myself and one woman.
[00:24:49] Speaker B: Oh, no.
[00:24:50] Speaker A: Oh, no.
[00:24:51] Speaker B: Oh, no.
[00:24:54] Speaker A: She ended up playing the only female character in the campaign, a tiefling warlock, to which DM said, ooh, the horn knee race.
[00:25:03] Speaker B: Uh huh, uh huh.
[00:25:05] Speaker A: Get it, Kayla. Hey, Kayla.
[00:25:07] Speaker B: Get it. No, Jeff, I need a man to explain it to me. Could you tell me what the joke is?
[00:25:13] Speaker A: Happy women's month. She gave him a cringe look and said, I'm just here to kill Aesimir. Lol. DM. Then laughed really obnoxiously.
[00:25:23] Speaker B: He's what a pick me.
You're so funny. Oh, my God, that's literally it. Oh, my God, that's literally.
[00:25:35] Speaker A: Listen, I played with a lot of old fucking first edition heads. I know what that laugh is.
And then there's me, a halfling wizard. Session Zero was basically an intro session for our characters, and the DM let us explore the sort of hub town of the campaign and talk to some extra plainer spirits, which are basically there to tell us some campaign rules in a unique way. That is no metagaming. Funky dice, etcetera. I like that. That's the rule.
[00:26:02] Speaker B: No metagaming.
[00:26:04] Speaker A: Hey, it's in game characters telling you not to roll your way to D 20.
As we began talking to one of the extra planar spirits that is going over our character sheets with us to iron out any. What the fuck? Hold on. This is in game.
[00:26:24] Speaker B: That's actually kind of sick. Like that's. Actually kind of cool.
[00:26:26] Speaker A: I don't like that there's a separation. Like, I have Ariel in my campaign who breaks the fourth wall, and that's it. She was the character that broke the fourth wall and had a player's handbook on her and shit like that. But to have a whole group of spirits being like, let me see what you rolled for dexterity.
[00:26:45] Speaker B: I don't know. I kind of like the idea that us, as the players are gods in our own right, and our characters are just kind of like, you know, things that we control. So having, like, higher planar people talk to you through the game, that's kind of sick to me. I mean, what can I say? That's kind of sick. It's kind of like a fresh, fresh, hot take, at least in the way I've seen the game be played, which.
[00:27:08] Speaker A: In a long minus four to dexterity. Hopefully a fireball doesn't hit you.
[00:27:13] Speaker B: It's just the fucking haunted mansion, but it's, ooh, be careful. You might have some bad luck attached to your dice.
[00:27:26] Speaker A: Disadvantage on stealth checks.
[00:27:30] Speaker B: Don't forget, you can never leave.
And it's true.
[00:27:38] Speaker A: The extra planar spirits went over our character sheets with us to iron out any extra, any potential mistakes and letting some of the really unfortunate players re roll. But then this spirit asks the tiefling. So I am reading your backstory, but I haven't seen anything about your body count.
Mind clearing that up for me?
[00:28:04] Speaker B: Huh?
[00:28:06] Speaker A: She then just said, it's not important.
He then said, oh, it very much is, with a wicked smile. Oh, God.
[00:28:16] Speaker B: Ew, ew, ew, ew.
[00:28:18] Speaker A: This is so gross, and I'm so mad. I'm reading it again. I got my skin's crawling all over again.
[00:28:25] Speaker B: The voice you're doing makes it so much better. Fucking worse. Dude, not in my haunted mansion.
[00:28:33] Speaker A: I take it back. It's not haunted mansion anymore.
[00:28:36] Speaker B: Get me off this fucking ride. Dude.
[00:28:39] Speaker A: It's haunted Chicago alleyway. What is happening?
[00:28:42] Speaker B: Did he not fucking ask any of the other characters what their body count was?
[00:28:46] Speaker A: Oh, we'll get into that. She awkwardly chuckled and said, stop being weird. You're not getting my body count. DM said, oh, come on. It's relevant to the campaign. Your sexual market modifier will be influenced by it.
[00:29:04] Speaker B: Her what?
[00:29:05] Speaker A: Her sexual market modifier. You know, it's a standard fifth edition thing that bard's had. You played a bard? You should know.
[00:29:14] Speaker B: Oh, right. I forgot my fucking dick counter that gives me boosted stats to my bardic inspiration. How could I forget?
[00:29:23] Speaker A: I wish he was joking. But he actually showed us the modified character sheet with, yes, a sexual market score and modifier. So, you know, you got your strength, your dexterity, charisma, con wisdom, intelligence. And also is sex and market. Like, what the fuck?
[00:29:40] Speaker B: Who for everyone.
[00:29:41] Speaker A: Everyone has a sexual market score, I guess.
[00:29:44] Speaker B: Equality, I guess.
[00:29:47] Speaker A: Like, the fact that this is run by a local game shop, like, they didn't know. Like, they're probably, oh, cool. Fucking dude wants to dm. Like, this is awesome. Like, my local game shop, like the fucking card shop I do is doing like once a month d and d one shots for people that get interested. I'm like, oh, that's really fucking cool. Like, I would definitely run an in person campaign and fuck people's day up like that. But I don't think the world's ready for us. I'm just kidding. We could do it. Who wants me to dm? I will. Pay me, Amy, right now. Talesfromthetabletop podmail.com dot no, I'm just kidding.
[00:30:17] Speaker B: Don't pay him. He's not worth it.
[00:30:20] Speaker A: He's not worth it. He'll ruin your life.
[00:30:22] Speaker B: He ruined mine. He weaseled his way in. Three years ago. My friend said, hey, I'm in this TND group and we just need one more person. You would really like my friend Jeff. He'd be fantastic if you could meet him. Just join our campaign. I was like, yeah, whatever. I blew you guys off for three weeks. And she was like, are you gonna join this week? And I said, fine. And now I'm on a fucking podcast with this guy.
[00:30:48] Speaker A: And now we're recording hearing him do.
[00:30:50] Speaker B: A haunted mansion voice for a fucking.
[00:30:52] Speaker A: Neckbeard, asking a woman sexual market score.
[00:30:59] Speaker B: Good luck editing that one, bro. That peaked.
[00:31:01] Speaker A: Good. She started obviously getting pissed and pointed out accurately that he didn't ask any of us, the guys, about their male characters or the genderless plasmoids sexual history. And he said, a key that can open many doors is a master key, but a lock that opens for many keys is a shitty lock.
[00:31:27] Speaker B: Hello.
[00:31:28] Speaker A: How do you feel about that one?
[00:31:29] Speaker B: I feel like a bullet that can go through one skull is valuable than any key in the world.
[00:31:38] Speaker A: He then joked about how Confucius and Aristotle both lived by this quote. What? You know, Aristotle famously was like, yo, I'm out here on the corner talking about, like, being enlightened and, like, thought processes. But also, hey, don't walk away. Listen, there's this one.
[00:31:59] Speaker B: Don't walk away.
[00:32:01] Speaker A: Didn't mention. No, come on, come here. Have you. Have you talked about your sexual market modifier also? How about that lock? How about that lock? I'm talking about your. I'm talking about your coochie. Your coochie is a shitty lock. And I have a key.
[00:32:14] Speaker B: Class, dude, I gotta keep going.
[00:32:15] Speaker A: I'm a master key, man. I got a keyblade.
[00:32:18] Speaker B: I don't have any cash.
[00:32:19] Speaker A: Call me Sora. Cause you'll be okay.
[00:32:21] Speaker B: Anyways, I don't have any cash. Sorry. It's crazy. Both of them are worm food now, so it obviously got them super far if they did live by it.
[00:32:29] Speaker A: Oh, yeah, of course, there's a couple.
[00:32:30] Speaker B: Of dead guys, which is what he's gonna be soon.
[00:32:32] Speaker A: I also. There's a lot of ways to interpret that, and I don't think that's what they meant. I wanna give Confucius and Aristotle the benefit of the doubt.
[00:32:41] Speaker B: Did they even say it?
[00:32:42] Speaker A: Dog in Chinese? And, like, there are two. Let's talk about the historical significance of this. Confucius was in China and Aristotle was in fucking Greece. Those were. There was the whole of the step between them. And during that era, not a lot of ideas were passed about. Not until the crusades, anyways. I like history. Did you know that?
[00:33:04] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:33:05] Speaker A: Hey, guys. Welcome to history, a podcast about history.
[00:33:09] Speaker B: Oh, no. Another white guy is gonna tell me about history.
[00:33:12] Speaker A: Listen, here's how history.
And this jackass started laughing like he was being funny in an irreverent humor kind of way. Nobody else was laughing. I'm so fucking hilarious. It sounds like me in every podcast.
Nobody else was laughing. Kayla wasn't either.
[00:33:31] Speaker B: I wasn't.
[00:33:32] Speaker A: He then I. Then. No, I'm not making me this guy. Hold on, I gotta.
He then shook his head and just said, fine. He then looks directly at her with a shit eating grin and says, oh, God, Kayla, do I have to say this line?
[00:33:49] Speaker B: I'm not reading it.
[00:33:51] Speaker A: Kayla. This is the most disgusting line of the entire thing. Hey, guys, if you, uh, didn't hear, read the content warnings beforehand, I'm sorry. He then looks directly at her with a shit eating grin and says, let's see how ran through you really are, huh?
Oh, God. I hope everyone listening to this threw up in their mouth a little.
[00:34:15] Speaker B: I didn't think it was possible to cringe further from this story, but I'm. I wish I could recede into my skin.
[00:34:23] Speaker A: I find the worst ones. I'm so sorry.
[00:34:26] Speaker B: This fucking virgin is so obsessed.
[00:34:30] Speaker A: Hey, funny you mentioned virgins. He looks down at his dice bag and grabs it a nat 20 means you're. Hold on, I gotta go back to the voice. A nat 20 means you're a virgin, and a nat one means you are for the streets. I, like, literally couldn't get the streets. I couldn't get the streets lined out. I I. My voice was like, like, stop.
[00:34:56] Speaker B: This is a caricature. This is not real.
[00:34:59] Speaker A: And then kept laughing at his own jokes as she just shook her head and left. And then me and a couple of guys followed shortly after while DM rolled and then started trying to get us back by trying to pivot and claim it was a joke and that he has a fucked sense of humor. Why would it stop there?
[00:35:17] Speaker B: Like, why would there anything that's fucked about him?
[00:35:20] Speaker A: Guys, I have a fucked up sense of humor, and I don't fuck ever. Guys, I'm literally the joker.
[00:35:28] Speaker B: Oh, my God. My sense of humor is just so fucked up, you wouldn't even begin to understand the twisted realms of that are my mind. Oh, my God. I've seen things.
[00:35:40] Speaker A: He gave up after a while and just played with the remainders until he could find adequate replacements. He ended up doing another game a few weeks later with a better DM or. Oh, hold on. We. We ended up doing another game a few weeks later with a better DM, and we ended up actually becoming friends. Tldr. I'm not reading that shit. I'm sorry. That's like, why would I read the whole story and then go to the TLDR?
[00:36:03] Speaker B: It was literally long enough, and I did read it, so no need for the Tl. Doctor.
[00:36:10] Speaker A: What a rough, rough, rough, rough, rough, rough. Call me a dog. Cause that's really rough. It's so gross. Kayla, I'm so sorry I put you through that.
[00:36:22] Speaker B: People like that actually exist.
[00:36:25] Speaker A: Like, we make jokes about it.
Look, hey, guys, I'm gonna pull the curtain back a bit. Kayla has something in the wings for our next few remaining stories. Not on this episode, but forever. Not few remaining. Like, we're at the end. But we do have a nice little game we're gonna be playing soon, and I'm making it podcast official, so Kayla will have to do it, because if we don't, we're not going to do it. Kayla wants to put together a fucking bingo bingo board for every fucking, like, story that we go through and see how we do by the end. So she will make a bunch of bingo boards, and good luck. They'll be on our social media tomorrow. I'm kidding. I'm not doing that to you. We'll do it. They'll be up eventually.
[00:37:10] Speaker B: Spoiler alert, we don't record these on the day that we release them, obviously.
[00:37:14] Speaker A: Absolutely not. Holy fuck. We work full time jobs. That would be nightmare.
[00:37:17] Speaker B: So I actually have, like, some time to put it together, but it would be Wednesday that I'd have to have it out by.
[00:37:24] Speaker A: Good luck.
[00:37:24] Speaker B: We're on a mysterious unknown day before that date because we don't procrastinate.
[00:37:30] Speaker A: Yeah, why would we?
[00:37:31] Speaker B: Why would we? My brain is spinning from that. The voice really sold it to me. I was so immersed.
[00:37:37] Speaker A: I don't know why I chose that voice. But it worked. It worked.
[00:37:40] Speaker B: The haunted mansion voice is so funny.
[00:37:43] Speaker A: Oh, she's how ran through are you?
[00:37:47] Speaker B: She's for the street.
[00:37:51] Speaker A: For the streets.
[00:37:53] Speaker B: I'm looking at my audio file too, and it's like, woohoo.
[00:37:58] Speaker A: Even my audio file is haunted.
[00:38:01] Speaker B: Oh, my God. My wav file.
Thank you all so much for joining us this week. I was supposed to be in charge of the intro, but Jeff took over, so now I'm in charge of the outro.
[00:38:17] Speaker A: Sorry, Kayla. I was so excited. I was so happy.
[00:38:21] Speaker B: He just could not help himself from being misogynistic and was foaming at the mouth to tell me about it. He's like, if I just make it in the form of a story, then Kayla can't get mad at me for being misogynistic.
[00:38:32] Speaker A: Fuck. I don't even know how to react to that.
[00:38:35] Speaker B: Yeah. Fucking got you, loser. You're a little too excited with that haunted mansion voice, weren't you? Weren't you?
[00:38:42] Speaker A: I was trying to make it fun and not awful. It didn't help.
[00:38:47] Speaker B: Stop. I was deflecting Kayla.
[00:38:50] Speaker A: Jesus.
Great energy. Great energy for the show now. I'm so glad for it.
[00:38:56] Speaker B: We actually have to record during the day from now on instead of, like, late at night or super early in the morning.
[00:39:01] Speaker A: 09:00 a.m. Podcasts never happening again.
[00:39:05] Speaker B: Only 01:00 p.m. Or only 01:00 p.m. For you. All right. Thank you guys so much for joining us, though. I will be posting tomorrow a bingo card for you guys to use to follow along with our stories. And Jeff and I will be playing in our next episode too, and we could see if we get bingo or not for everybody.
[00:39:24] Speaker A: Are you gonna do that? You don't have to. You're making a lot of promises.
[00:39:28] Speaker B: I have to do it. As the social media manager, it's my job. I have to make more words, though.
[00:39:35] Speaker A: Where are they gonna find this?
[00:39:37] Speaker B: You can find us on tales from the tabletop pod on most social media platforms. TikTok, Facebook, Instagram, formerly Twitter. We are tales from the TT because the other one was too long. If you have a story that you would like us to share, you can either leave the little tidbits in our Spotify questions section at the bottom of this podcast. Just use your little finger. Scroll down there. And Jeff put a little fun little question. That's a great way to talk to us directly. Of course, the comments on social media. Talesfromthetabletoppodmail.com so we can read your stories. Talesfromthetabletopodmail.com TikTok, we have 51 followers, so we're, ooh, we're almost there. So that I could post a live link in the description. So the goal is to get up there before TikTok gets permanently banned. Okay.
[00:40:33] Speaker A: Oh, we also have, speaking of all the little things, we also have two comments on our last episode.
[00:40:40] Speaker B: Really? Not from Kyle David Perry.
[00:40:43] Speaker A: One of them is from Kyle David Perry. They are incredible. And I'm so glad they're still listening.
Kyle David Perry says truly awful stories this week. Good job, everyone. Also, bookend shoutouts. You're too much. With a little heart.
[00:41:00] Speaker B: I told them the other day that they are the second most listened to episode we have is their episode.
[00:41:07] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. And it's incredible. And they're incredible. And also we have one from a bunch of characters that said, really good episode. I love your advice. Almost makes me want to try to gm.
[00:41:20] Speaker B: Almost.
[00:41:21] Speaker A: Almost.
Hey, I don't know where. I don't know what they're listening to, where they're like, that's a good idea. Like, whoa.
But we appreciate you so much. Three, eight x more.
We love you guys. Thank you for. Thank you for. We love. We read everything. Every single thing for now. No, we'll read everything. I don't give a shit. It's important. Everyone's important. It's that. Is that the show?
[00:41:50] Speaker B: That's the show, everybody. Thank you.
[00:41:52] Speaker A: I'm sorry.
[00:41:56] Speaker B: Energy from everybody today. We'll see you guys in two weeks.
[00:42:00] Speaker A: Maybe back in two weeks. No, for sure. Don't say maybe. We got to make ourselves do it.
[00:42:05] Speaker B: Yes. Until we get picked up by a network.
[00:42:08] Speaker A: We love you fuckers.
[00:42:10] Speaker B: Tata for now. Bye bye.
Oh, and I'd, like, forgotten to do the clap, so I just added it in randomly.
[00:42:23] Speaker A: But like, I fucking monster. You monster. That is the worst thing. That is not a dream. That is a nightmare, you fucking insane person.
